Sliding into December (where the slide is more of a slow hobble)

My plan to write a side project in November, obviously, has been put on hold for the  duration  of my healing.   I thought I was okay with it until  I saw everyone showing off their NaNoWriMo diplomas (even tho I wasn’t doing NaNoWriMo).  Even knowing that I can go back to it the moment I’m ready, it was still a reminder of the fact that I’ve lost time on…everything.

Stuck on the sofa, the oxycodone dumping me into brainfog, I could feel it dragging at my bones, making my skin twitch with a kind of sluggish impatience.

And I found myself thinking a lot about lost time in general.  About things I  wanted to do, made plans to do, and then didn’t do, for reasons good or not.  I thought about the things I may not have time to do now, and what I would do, given time.

The kind of thing you do when you realize, gut-level, that you have an expiration date.

That date may be a ways in the future yet.  But the tick tick tock, once heard, doesn’t shut up.

I can say that I’ve never shied away from an interesting challenge, and I’ve never been afraid of  change.  But I have allowed Reasons to interfere.  And now I’m thinking about how even Good Reasons can lead to the wrong decisions, where ‘wrong’ is a moving target you can only see in hindsight.

“Shoulda” is a cold and pointless word.  “Still could” is a better term.  “Still can” is a better term yet.

I’m off the oxycodone now (huzzah) , and my words are slowly coming back.  The new due date for my side project is December 31st.  It’s a reminder to get going on everything else, too.

December’s the end of the year, yeah.  But endings are also where you  grow beginnings.



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